Hungry-Bitch

December 5, 2008 at 5:07 pm (Food, Housewife Life)

(or, an Open Letter to the Hungry-Man Dinner Company of Allentown, PA)

Dear Sirs:

(And I am quite sure you are in fact Sirs because no woman would allow a corporate moniker as blatantly sexist as Hungry-Man Dinners.)

You are missing an excellent marketing opportunity.

When it comes to eating, literally, I am no lightweight. Ask my ass. I am one of these women who goes to fancy lunch parties and puts no more than three cucumber-and-watercress finger sandwiches on my plate and pleasantly converses with the other ladies…then stops off at Five Guys on the way home for a serious burger. I am someone who would politely eat a tiny salad in front of a date, then down a pint of Ben and Jerry’s when I get home. I am not dainty, I am not delicate. When I am hungry, I want food. 

You with your manly-man notions of Hungry-Man Dinners are missing out on the half of us that want the portions but not the Virile Buffalo Chicken or the Macho Pressed Ribs with a Brownie. My suggestion? Hungry-Bitch Dinners: for the Bitch with the Gastric Itch.

Take all the pleasant, ladylike entrees offered by an estrogen-centric company like Lean Cuisine, multiply the portion size by 1.5, use cheap-ass, barely edible ingredients like those you’re currently using, and there you have it. Just because I am a woman does not mean I am not as hungry as a man, dammit.  I may be fat, but at least I’m honest. When not on dates. Which I’m not, anymore. But I digress.

Just because you think Macho Pressed Ribs with a Brownie is more appropriate to a man…maybe, just once, a guy would like to eat Chicken Tenders with Gingered Snow Peas outside the privacy of his own home, and without having his sexuality questioned. You know, breaking gender barriers is a very “in” thing this year, and I’d rather not feel like a lumberjack just because I am eating something called “Hungry-Man.”

You could make money hand over fist with this thing. Not solely because you would save money for all those women who are secretly having to eat TWO Lean Cuisines to keep from starving, but because for once, you’d be the company that FINALLY has the brass to break ranks with the skinny-minnie, fat-hating stereotypes, and stand up and say, “We know that women like to eat, too, and women should not be punished for being hungry, or have to force themselves to go hungry for appearances’ sake. It’s OK for healthy women to have good appetites and we’re gonna deliver the best, most filling and most satisfying frozen dinner you can buy for $3.59. You’re our kind of Hungry Bitch. Here’s some frickin’ FOOD.”

The desired width of my ass being totally at odds with the size of my appetite is another issue for another day. When I believe that weight loss is truly attainable, and in a way that doesn’t result in either unrelenting misery or a surgery with a 25% mortality rate which insurance rarely covers, I’ll re-visit the cucumber and watercress. But for now, pass the gravy…I’m one Hungry Bitch. 😉

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