I’m Glad The Steelers Lost

November 20, 2008 at 7:29 am (Published)

Published in Pittsburgh CityPaper, January, 2002.


Maybe I should be driven out of Pittsburgh by an angry mob, carrying torches, pitchforks, and Terrible Towels…but…I don’t like football.  In fact, I HATE football, and the monopolization of my TV set that goes with it.  When somebody talks to me about the Bus, I usually assume they mean the Port Authority. I hear about “the Stillers” and think people mean the actors, Ben and Jerry.


While it’s nice to see everyone in Pittsburgh unite over any one concept, I’m glad the Steelers lost because now, I can have peace and quiet.  Sunday, I left the house to avoid a loud living room full of Aggressive Male Energy.  Guys, I’ll let you in on a little secret…The TV can’t hear it when you yell.  I know this is devastating information, but you can always hope that technologists will someday create television sets with built-in auditory chips.


My daughter and I went to Monroeville Mall.  It seemed like a flawless plan…beautiful day, store not crowded because of the game, and the added bonus of not having to hear about football all afternoon.  Imagine my outrage when Kaufmann’s was loudly broadcasting the game (I could barely hear myself think…), and JC Penney was both broadcasting AND making in-store announcements every time the Steelers scored. (“Attention shoppers…”)  Is there ANYWHERE I can go to get away from the cloying oral diarrhea that is Myron Cope?  YOY!


I was there to shop, not to hear a football game. If the store employees who like football insist on working Sundays, are these distracted folks the people I really want helping me select a dress suit for an incredibly important meeting?   The shoe counter lady at JC Penney’s made 3 mistakes while simultaneously trying to ring me up, AND CHEER.  At the food court, a tuna melt and a grilled cheese sandwich took 10 minutes to prepare as three of the four staffpeople at that restaurant were huddled near a radio.  Anyone who advertised on WDVE obviously got their money’s worth last weekend.


The whole radio thing struck me as an unprofessional management decision by the folks at Monroeville Mall. There really are people out there who don’t like football, many of whom deliberately went to your mall during the game.  And just because YOU DO like football, doesn’t mean the rest of us should have to be blitzed by the simulcast (or have to deal with the incompetence that ensues when your employees listen to the game instead of WORK).  Give us at least SOMEPLACE we can go, to be away from it, if we CHOOSE to, just as those who CHOOSE to watch the game can go to Heinz Field or a sports bar.  Kaufmann’s in particular lost about $350 of my business that day because it was just too frickin’ loud in there.


Let’s be honest with ourselves, folks.  Does anyone really look good in goldenrod yellow?  Are our lives really so banal that the only things Pittsburghers have in common anymore are unfair property assessments (see separate rant…) and sports teams?  Realistically, do the actions of a bunch of gargantuan, spandex-wearing men have any bearing on our individual lives?  (Well, OK…you gamblers out there might have lost your mortgage money…but that’s YOUR fault, and it’s beside the point.)


When I returned to the House of Testosterone after the game, my son said, dejectedly, “We lost.”  “WE!?!?!” Who the hell is “we?” If my 4-year-old son somehow negotiated a contract with the Steelers, then I’d better start working on his Nike endorsement deal right away.  I cannot understand why people are so personally invested in these games that when “their” team wins or loses, they feel it has happened to them, personally.  That kind of mentality can be dangerous…just ask The Hockey Dad.


There are many things to love about Pittsburgh…the arts and academic communities, the view of downtown on your way out of the Fort Pitt tunnel, Primanti Brothers, Penguin Defenseman Darius Kasparaitis’ muscular, “ripped” chest…oh, wait…uh…a pounda chipchop ham, the Gateway Clipper, etc.  But you know, just because I don’t follow the Steelers, and am not obsessed with football, doesn’t mean I love it here any less than any-ah yinz guys.


1 Comment

  1. My Day On Wheels « HeidiWrites said,

    […] watch Harry Potter but he put me in front of the football game. (By the way, I hate football, but that’s a separate post.) A robust black man near me grinned and shook his head, waited for the orderly to leave, and […]

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