I’ve Got A Hot Ass

November 18, 2008 at 5:15 pm (Housewife Life) (, , , , )

No, I haven’t meant this statement in the way you’re thinking of it since the late 1980’s. Believe me, I wish I did have an attractive derriere rather than this expansive floopy thing spangled with areas of cottage cheese, and deserving of liposuction. But I digress.

I am speaking today of the Seat Warmer in our new car. A couple weeks ago we were reading articles about how the economic downturn was making car dealers desperate, and decided to see how true that was. We ended up trading in our 2002 silver mini-van with the big dent in the back and all the Barack Obama bumper stickers, for a sleek black 2007 Chrysler Pacifica, a repo…we got a VERY good deal. The “Touring Edition” of any car essentially means it’s fully loaded, and dang, this one really is. Two weeks later, I’m still trying to figure all the gadgetry out…leather seats, sun roof, DVD player, rear windows that automatically tilt when you’re in reverse, beeping noises if you’re backing up too close to something, XM radio, cappuccino maker and interface to e-mail the astronauts on the international space station. OK, we don’t really have an onboard cappuccino maker and can’t e-mail the astronauts from the car. But I honestly think we have just about everything else.

One of my husband’s big bragging points about this car is the “Seat Warmer.” He, and both my older kids have extolled the virtue of the Seat Warmer, aka “The Butt Toaster.”  What is wrong with me that I think the thing is creepy and won’t use it, even though it’s 27 degrees out and just started snowing? Having a heated ass isn’t natural. It disturbs me. It makes me feel like either I have to pee, or maybe just did pee and didn’t notice. When you sit on sun-roasted leather in the summertime, it can be painful when you peel your reddened skin back up from the seat…why is this suddenly OK in the winter? Could you burn yourself any less? And what if it malfunctions, could it set the car on fire? Because even with all the gadgets on my new buggy, I don’t think it has a sprinkler system.

I dunno. Something about the Seat Warmer is wrong, very wrong. I’ll re-visit this in February, at a point when parts of me might actually appreciate a Butt Toaster…

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